Beginning the Healing Process
Today I wanna share a story with you. It has to do with a simple philosophy that states: if you don’t like the view, change the angle. But most of us almost never do. We know what we need to do, yet we don’t. Why is that? Why is it that we don’t change the angle?
Is it really that easer said than done? Is it really that our circumstances are that much worse than the next person? Or is it that we rarely seek our own selves for a solution? Why is it so easy to see ourselves as being affected by a problem, but not as affecting our problems?
My short answer to these questions is time and will. Let me share a story of mine in hope that it will inspire a growing conversation to help you with your angle. Keep reading.
Once Upon an Infertility…
Eleven years ago a medical doctor told me conceiving a child would be so difficult, close to impossible. In the simplest terms, for all she could see, based on information she had at that time, she merely delivered a message to me and she delivered it in the driest, coldest, most impersonal way one could deliver a message. And just like that I was convinced. It was the end of something that hasn’t even began.
I left her office, went to my car, drove home, and I cried. Cried, actually is an understatement of the initial reaction I had to what I was told. Until that day I thought it was impossible to sob for hours on end. I though one would get tired or pass out from the intensity of such an act. But, no. The type of pain and feeling of helplessness, loss, betrayal was so strong inside of me – I have never experienced such intense emotions.
Until that day…
…the view from where I was standing on the topic of family, children, motherhood, was so clear to me, and it had been for years prior to that day, that I believe I took it for granted. I took for granted that starting a family and having as many children as you choose is just the way of life. I could attribute this belief of mine to the fact that I had never been around someone who experienced infertility in my family or my circle of friends for that matter. I felt like an alpha case, and very quickly I started to look for the why and the why me in this outrageously strong and impossible to defeat monster called infertility.
Very quickly I started internalizing my circumstances as: my pain is worse than yours or anyone else’s for that matter, way. While this was obviously entirely false and a topic for another post, it was also very true from the angle from which I was standing.
Here I was, a woman who so undoubtedly believed motherhood to be her life purpose to the point of taking the entire concept for granted, now shaken to my core by the life’s bad side – trickery. Pretty quickly I fell in the never ending self inflicted victim spiral that spins faster and grows stronger by feeding it through self petty, anger, doubt, sadness, and of course blame. I created and was nurturing the wrong monster! And worst of all, I shut down completely and didn’t let anyone in.
Why? Infertility. Why?
Why? I did’t have a life threatening disease; I didn’t have a life limiting condition. Objectively, aside from being a big inconvenience in my plans for a future I had envisioned for myself, infertility didn’t really debilitate my daily life – on the outside.
So why was I so devastated and why did I became so angry about it? Because it was something that mattered to me, so much! And after years of ups and downs (mostly downs), trial and error, pushing and pulling, I eventually and finally began to slowly untangle something I personally and singlehandedly have built – an almost bullet proof internal mess!
This is where I started contemplating and attempting to address the questions I started this post with. After all I went through and after years of emotional struggles with infertility I had finally made a decision to initiate change in my life, initiate change with purpose. I must acknowledge, the undertaking was everything but easy. It was filled with multiple rejections by my one and only, self.
It’s fine when you make a decision to do something you know is good for you and everyone around you, but how do you stick to you guns when the ‘doing something’ means going against and defeating part of your own self?
What’s the formula?
I don’t know if there is an all-time, magical, secret way of going about something like that, but I made that decision and I started with the one truth – my, one truth! And the way I got to my one truth was by changing the angle where I was standing and from which I was operating. Following that thread has led me to a life I know has a purpose and a reason for existing.
No life is ever wasted! But every life comes with a question, and the question is: Will you choose to walk alongside your One Truth? If the answer is no, you are choosing to reject or challenge your inborn One Truth. This only leads to a life filled with self inflicted struggles over something that is not for you to define, only abide by. You are given your One Truth, but you can choose the angle from which you will approach it.
Why is this so important to know?
Because your choice will determine the focus of you affection, but it will affect all areas of your life accordingly. It did mine. But in my over a decade long “dance” with infertility and insane amount of personal growth concepts I have tried, coming to answer the questions from the beginning of this post has had a profound affect on my fertility journey and on every other area of my life.
Because of the affect these questions had on me, and because answering them opened a door to a different kind of amazing, for me, I decided to start Bia’s Blog with sharing these questions and my answers, with you.
So, here we go…
- Why is it that we know what we need to do, yet we don’t?
I did not want to change my angle. In my mind I had everything set to become a mother of four. Who was life to ruin that for me? …Well, life. Things started to take a different turn once I was able to give myself this answer. It was probably the biggest favor I did to myself!
- Why is it that we don’t change the angle?
For me it was because I loved that angle. I loved the view, I loved how everything was set up, I simply loved my view! Why would I change my angle? I wanted to change my reality to fit my view. And I wanted to change it fast! Motherhood mattered too much to me to simply change my angle and look at a different view.
- Is it really that easier said than done?
For a while, yes! It is easer said than done! But only for a short while. The rest of the time, it was truly accepting the choice I made. It was up to me to push through or to turn back. I chose to be bitter and alone in my struggle. Once I started digging deeper and deeper, and once I understood that my emotions were only fulfilling the choice I had made, I simply decided to make a new choice – to change my angle.
- Is it really that our circumstances are that much worse than the next person?
One thing I learned is that no matter how bad I think my circumstances are, there is someone who has it worse. And even that can be debatable depending on the angle that person takes. We interpret better or worse based on what we focus on. Unfortunately, it’s what our society teaches us. Recently, we lost a family member to a life threatening decease. All I want to say is that she focused on her positive circumstances even as they kept declining right in front of her eyes. One of the last words I heard her say were “you can’t be bitter”. She was talking about her circumstances. So unless you are dealing with a life threatening circumstance, the answer to this question should always be no.
Many times we exaggerate our less desirable circumstances because they don’t fit our view and we feel everything has fallen apart because of our circumstances, and we can’t “fix” our life. But if we look at the reason why we need to “fix” our present, less desirable circumstances, and we find the answer to be (which usually is), so that we fit within the circle of people we are around, then most definitely we need to change our angle!
- Why is it that we rarely seek our own selves for a solution?
So, in keeping up with our view for the purpose of fitting within the expectations of those around us we highlight our negative circumstances and make little or no mention of the positive. We do this because part of us believes that it is someone else’s job (including whatever higher power we believe in), to make us feel better about ourselves. We want them to help us, but not hurt our feelings.
I came to realize this whole concept of hurting someone’s feelings is so overrated and so unproductive. It is not even a real thing. Because if it’s true that it isn’t what happens to us that matters, but how we react to what happens to us that matters, then the concept of hurt feelings is nonexistent. We are always the solution to our problems. We may ask for and receive help along the way, but it is us who solve our problems! We must not only do the work, but more importantly decide to do the work. This ties into the last question I posed at the beginning and that is:
- Why is it so easy to see ourselves as being affected by a problem, but not as affecting our problems?
Simply because initially we don’t want to, or are not ready to do the work it takes to change our angle and shift our view. Even if we know, for sure, it will be a better view than the one we had. Habits are hard to make, but much, much harder to break! I didn’t want infertility to be part of my reality! I didn’t want my future to not involve having children. But changing my angle on infertility cleared my view and presented possibilities I didn’t consider before, or I only looked at why I couldn’t consider them as possibilities.
What defines us is not the path we’re on. What defines us is how we choose to walk on that path.
Answering these questions as they applied to my infertility journey didn’t offer a magic solution to years long problem. No, but it paved the way for a much more fulfilling journey. One I feel grateful for, not bitter about. One that taught me so much that I felt compelled and called to share with other women and couples currently experiencing infertility. I hear you, I see you, I know you, by experience! And I am here to help you change your angle, should you make that decision and choose to do so!
I would like to ask you…
Remember when I said earlier that time and will is the answer to the six questions above? Do you see how time and will apply to each one of the questions?
We are either not ready and we need more time, or we are not willing to do the work we need to do to get us to where we want or even need to be.
Do you agree?
Fell free to let me know in the comments below. Also, let me know if there is a topic you would like me to cover in a future post. Finally, feel free to send me a private message if you have a specific question. I will do my best to reply within 24-48hours from the time I receive it.